she woke up with a sticky ear
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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