I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
