Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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