the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
