Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
