Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
