We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
