I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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