Where are you?
In a non slutty way
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I currently don't understand fingers.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize