So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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