just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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