Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
