dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
