so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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