my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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