I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
