wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
