You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
