Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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