What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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