This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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