i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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