I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize