Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Two words: nipple clamps
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