I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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