before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
