Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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