Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
