I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
