You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
