This is not my ceiling
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
