I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
