I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
