You just made me feel so damn special
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
