the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
there was a trapeze. enough said
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
