UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
