True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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