Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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