I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
