Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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