Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
