I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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