I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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