remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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