This house was built for laser tag.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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