I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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