You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
