My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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