So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
