Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize