Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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