Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think your dad took our porno
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
