You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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