Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
