he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize