yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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