You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize