My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
