oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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