you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
