Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
