I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
