My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
